To be or not to be FREE - is this the question?

I admit, I had some lack of inspiration lately...but I have been inspired by certain individuals that entered my life recently and changed my point of view. Therefore, I feel the need to share some of my experiences. I've been so preoccupied with learning how to do jazz better than I already do, always learning new things, experimenting with different grooves, different musicians, sounds, etc. Some say, you need to learn this, others say do it like this. But what is most important is - try to find your own voice and make it personal, no matter what you do. It's so hard to be original these days. There isn't much you can do that will be fresh and new, never heard before. So many influences, so many renewed sounds, music rearranged, re-harmonized, remixed, or completely changed yet familiar. It seems to me that the most original thing I have is my own sound. I mean, as a vocalist I have the voice I was born with and its color, so I guess nobody can take that away from me. There isn't much I can do with it. I can play with it a bit, change the dynamics, the expression, the interpretation, but I will always sound like me. I could copy someone else's sound, but what's the point? It will never be as good as the original. So, a question came to my mind - how can I free myself from all the influences and just be myself - true and unspoiled? Ah...a tough one! I guess many musicians came to a certain point when they realized they are repeating themselves or not moving forward and started to wonder - what can I do more? How can I be better? How can I change and still remain the same? How to be myself, new and improved. Updated. Old-fashioned, true to my style, yet somehow different? Is it really possible to be free of constrictions? How to ignore all the influences I had for years, all the information coming to my mind that formed me as the person that I am today? Should I ignore all that or can I use it to make a new sound? Many questions started appearing out of nowhere and a big confusion was created in my mind. A BIG MESS! I thought I knew what I wanted and where I was heading, then suddenly I realized there was so much more I could do! Now what? New ideas come to my mind and change my perspective. 

You know, I was never a fan of free jazz, or whatever you wanna call it. It simply didn't make any sense! I thought, they are not respecting the tradition, they reject the rules that were put there for a reason, they don't even need to know how to play to do that! Honestly, I thought that was bullshit. And even now, I can't listen to all free music. Only sometimes, depending on the sounds and musicians. One day I went to one master class on free improvised music and the musicians explained that it was all about creating new sounds, experimenting with their instruments and getting the most out of them, making their instruments sound different than expected, interacting with other musicians, reacting to what they are doing - communicating with sound. Once I knew that, what I was supposed to pay attention to, it became interesting and I found it rather amusing! Wow. That's cool. Not something I would personally do, but interesting to listen to. I continued to do my repertoire, expanding my interpretation, but still I felt so limited. Limited by the harmony, the chords, the melody, the words...how much can I do within those restrictions? Then I started to improvise and play a bit with the notes. Go out a bit, go back to the tune, interact with other band members, react to what they do...still, not free enough. I am still limited. Mostly because of the many fears I have. Fear of failure, fear of being judged, fear of embarrassing myself, free of hitting the wrong note, etc. Normal fears we all have.

Then one day, I got the information that one free jazz sax player will hold a workshop. I said to myself - this is my chance to explore the possibilities of freeing myself as a musician. And I don't mean that I wanted to do free jazz but simply to step out of the restrictions, and try something different. A friend of mine told me - Don't worry, you're still old-fashioned. Free jazz exists for 50 years now, so it's not something new. GOOD, I thought. I never considered myself a modern musician anyway, and that's not even the point. The point is to try to develop my style in a new direction. A new direction for me, anyway. And this guy is, some might say, a freak! All of our conversations are somewhat philosophical and nothing is trivial. Everything we talk about is meaningful. I love such conversations. People waste words on things that don't matter. Material things, passing things, negative things... Well, to get to the point, we are preparing a "concert" or better said - a performance. God knows how that will sound. Probably weird, as free normally sounds. But I know it will be MY interpretation and every time it will be different. It would be wonderful, for example, to do something within the set boundaries and then suddenly explore another dimension and set yourself free. My first improvisation felt truly liberating! I am a bit addicted to that now. Or at least becoming addicted to it. I love it! Being free, if that's at all possible, is a special feeling. You can do whatever you like, and not be judged. Or be judged, but simply don't care. Because you let your inner voice speak and open yourself to sounds that you never thought would come out. Even if it's confusing, strange, scary and wonderful at the same time, it's something that would be helpful to anyone, no matter if you do it at home where nobody can hear you or in front of an audience. 

Well, I don't have a big answer to this question, but I can tell you my experience. If I managed to be free for even a second, I'm happy. Music is creation and expression. Improvisation is creating music in a moment without preparation. An instant art form. Composing without thinking. Free as a child. Something we all forgot to be and have blocked it in our minds. A forgotten skill. Pure and unique.